APPALLING SHENANIGANS AT THE OXFORD UNION

OK - so this is a profoundly serious post for a change. I've been watching with horror the awful circus that has been surrounding Oxford University Union's decision to invite Nick Griffin and David Irving to speak there last night. For those of you who don't know, Nick Griffin is the head of the neo-fascist British National Party and David Irving is a historian who is also a holocaust denier. He was actually imprisoned for being a holocaust denier. They are a pair of undoubted fuckwits.

But I think this fuss that is being made marks a profound shift away from values which I hold very dear indeed - to paraphrase someone else, it doesn't matter how much I despise what you say to me, I consider it my duty to defend your right to say it.

I saw a girl on the BBC News last night saying that she objected to them being asked to speak at the Union because she is mixed race and she is subjected to racism every single day of her life. I won't argue with that assertion (even though I don't believe it - she looked like a perfectly privileged middle class girl to me - and she's at Oxford University, for fucks sake!) but this still doesn't make her position any more than absolute nonsense. Do we want to drive racism underground? Do we want the issues to foment in secret meetings, not being properly debated by people who have a more rounded view of society? Do we want anger and tension to build up until it explodes into violence and insurrection?

If she is really subjected to racism every single day of her life, then she should be glad that this pair of racist bigots have been invited to speak at the Oxford Union. She should be glad of the opportunity to paint her banner, to voice her disapproval, to have the whole debate aired on the BBC and beyond. It can only help the anti-racism cause.

That's why we all have a duty to defend the rights of people to say what they believe. It means that really evil things can be debated and dismissed right away. And there is no logical reason to tell people that they cannot be racist without also telling them that they cannot be tolerant. They are two sides of the same coin. I fear for a day in the future when we are told that we cannot voice our beliefs at all - whether the majority agree with them or not.

To make it a bit more personal, if someone I knew really hated poofs, I would rather them just say it. I would be glad if they did. It would give me the opportunity to make them look foolish and it would also give other people the opportunity to rally to my defence. I certainly don't like to think of an army of homophobes walking round feeling resentful about the fact that they cannot speak their minds.

So please remember that we must uphold the freedom of people to talk a load of bollocks - because that's the only way that the sensible counter-opinions are going to get heard as well.

EMILY, EMO, LEMMY, LEMILY. DELETE.

Emily left The Bean today. She didn't leave for a new job or to leave the island or anything dull. She left to have a baby Emily and Neil. She left for the best reason in the world. This is my tribute to my bestest Bean Babe.

I can't remember the first time I ever met Emily. I bet she can't either. One thing I know for absolute certain is that we were both completely and utterly steaming and I am 99% sure that we were probably in the Live Lounge. And it was most likely August 2005. That was the first time I came to Jersey (well - as an adult, anyway). The first time I remember meeting her was on a very depressing day indeed. I was waiting at the airport for my flight back to Lancashire - my flight that was delayed for five hours. Emily was there with Bourgeois and some other girl who had missed her flight back to Wales. This was after Jersey Live 2005. Emily had blonde hair and she was getting in a sweat because Bourgeois and the other girl kept nicking her chips. But apart from that she was shy and quiet and probably very hungover. She also drove a little yellow mini. I thought that was cool. Cool beans.

After I moved to Jersey, Emily fast became very important to me. It was bloody hard work going out with a group of people who were all at least ten years younger than me. Emily was always pleased to see me - she always had a smile and a hug for me. That meant more than she probably knows. (I should point out at this stage that I am well aware that Emily is sticking her fingers down her throat right now if she is reading this).

It was when Emily starting working at The Bean that I really started to get to know her properly - it was probably the first time that we ever spoke to each other when we were both sober - when EITHER of us was sober. She can be a sassy bitch at times - and this often leads to her being misunderstood. There are times, I must admit, when I want to throttle her. But, actually, that's good because, in hindsight, my getting in a sweat about it makes me laugh.

So. Here is my definitive list of reasons why Emily is the bestest damn girl in the whole wide world.

1. She likes The Wizard of Oz. Hell - she even has a pair of ruby slippers and a quote from the film tattooed on her foot. You can't get much cooler than that.

2. If she thinks you look like shit she will tell you. And that IS a good thing because it means that, when she tells you that you look good, she really means it. And you know you look good.

3. Nobody - and I mean nobody - can cheer people up like Emily can. She doesn't always want to, but when she does, she does it brilliantly. I have seen our friend Nathalie have to run into the toilets because Emily made her laugh so much it made her mascara run.

4. She won't suffer fools at all. Piss her off and you know about it. Conversely, if you do something to make her happy then it's the most satisfying thing in the world because her face will light up and the room with fill up with love and warmth.

5. She really, truly and genuinely loves music. Not many girls love it as much as music obsessed boys do - she does and I like that because it totally gives the music geeks a run for their money. Her musical adventures includes Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzy Rascal. She even has a dance for it. If that's not enough to make her your best friend, then nothing is.

6. She says "Hoof off!" When she says it, it makes my heart do a little joy leap.

7. There are times when we can communicate without even speaking. When we can start giggling like a couple of girls (as opposed to one girl and one homo) without even saying anything. We know what each other is thinking at those times. I call it our vibes.

So that's 7 things I love about our Emily. I could think of more, but there would be no point. Everyone who knows her knows Emily is not perfect, but they know why they love her. I'll miss working with her so much that it's a little bit scary. But I think she's going to be the best mutha in the world, with the cutest baby in the Universe.

And if she doesn't like this blog post she can hoof the fuck right off.

Good luck, Poo Poo.

DIEP IN DIE KAK

Complete and utter juenile nonsense today - my favourite swear words in other languages.

Afrikaans - Diep in die kak (In deep shit)

Brazilian Portugese - Vai peidar na água pra ver se sai bolhinhas (Go fart in the water and make bubbles)

Mandarin Chinese - Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai (Fuck the 18 generations of your ancestors)

French - Sais-tu combien de temps ta mère prend pour chier? Neuf mois! (Do you know how much time your mother needs to take a shit? Nine months!)

Hebrew - Ya smark shel ez! (You piece of goat's spittle)

Italian - La tua madre puzza di pesce (Your mother smells of fish)

Japanese - Gokanma (Rape devil)

Icelandic - Ef ég myndi hitta þig úti á götu myndi ég skíta framan í þig (If I met you in the street I would shit on your face)

Lowland Scots - Ul wham yeh, yeh fuckin' wee basturt (I'll smash your face in, you fucking small bastard)

Portugese - Que se foda essa merda! Tô caindo fora! (Fuck this shit - I'm outta here)

Slovak - Vyser si oko (Shit your eye!)

Welsh - Cau Dy wyneb a Ffwcio dy ewyrth! (Shut your fucking face, Uncle fucker!)

Look out for some more constructive blogging soon!

THIS WAS A POST FROM ANOTHER LIFETIME

WHY FATAL ATTRACTION IS ACTUALLY ABOUT JOSEPH CAMPBELL'S HERO MONOMYTH!

(AN EXERCISE IN ACADEMIC BULLSHIT)







Michael Douglas is a happily married family man. His domestic comfort represents a barren emotional wasteland which must be made fertile by the quest, or journey, of our hero, Douglas.

After consciously allowing himself to be seduced by Glenn Close, he enters "The Belly of the Whale", a torrid and turbulent maelstrom from which there seems little or no chance of escape. Close's role compounds many characteristics of Campbell's Hero Myth, most obviously "the meeting with the maiden", a woman who is both liberating and dangerous.

This duality is the teetering and transitional point in the hero's journey. For example, Close's increasingly obsessive behaviour marks the curve of Douglas's return - that is to say, it is the acquired knowledge that he is destined to carry back to the homeland in the hope that its application will invigorate and empower his "tribe".

Blah blah blah... Douglas' wife kills Close and the rest is a crass fairy tale.

Stay tuned for news on why Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is actually about The Military-Industrial Complex! (Or something).

For more on Campbell's Monomyth (assuming you have absolutely no idea what I am twatting on about) CLICK HERE

HO HO HO!

So. Christmas is fast approaching again. It's a national (if not an international) cliche to say things like "Where the hell did the last year go?", "Is it really nearly Christmas again?" and "I swear Christmas starts earlier every year!"

It doesn't, of course. It's just that, no sooner have we got the inevitable Indian Summer out of the way, it's Halloween and then Bonfire Night and then there's really nothing else to occupy us other than remarking on how early it's going dark and preparing for the orgy of over indulgence and being nice to people.

Every year I tell myself that I'm going to do things differently this year. I resolve to only go to parties with people I love and care about - to not give Christmas kisses to the people who, for most of the year, I consider to be a bunch of twats. But the truth is that I really like the fact that Christmas is a brilliant excuse to bury hatchets and start afresh with people. I like the fact that it makes people more open to reconciliation and all that rubbish. See? I can't fully admit it to myself - I have to throw a bit of a downer in there to make it sound like I'm not being a sentimental old queer about it. I gave up giving Christmas cards years ago. I would have given up all the other stuff too by now if my heart was really in it. So I suppose I just have to resign myself to the fact that my heart isn't in it - I am a Christmas-phile and I always will be.

Anyway - here are my top tips for having an amazing Christmas. You can start them all right now.

1. Fight the urge to say "Bah! Humbug!" or anything similar. It only makes you sound like you are repeating a line. It's better to say nothing and even better to focus on the things about Christmas that you enjoy. For me, these are sparkly things, presents, getting tanked up and eating absolutely loads and loads.

2. Make some Christmas decorations. You'd be surprised how much fun it is. If you can borrow some kids to help you do it, you'll enjoy the whole experience even more.

3. However, don't believe the lie that Christmas is really just for kids. Bollocks to that - can kids drink too many shots at the office party and end up copping a feel under the mistletoe? No they bloody well can't. In your face, kids!

4. Cop a feel under the mistletoe. Just make sure that the other party involved is happy for you to cop a feel. Or use Rohypnol. And a giant pinch of salt.

5. Have a real Christmas tree. Don't listen to the killjoys who tell you it's bad for the environment and the squirrels. Plastic trees smell like shit and real trees smell like Christmas. Imitations just will not cut it.

6. Spend as much of the festive season (when you're not in licensed premises) as possible in front of a real fire. And have a yule log. I intend to go to some woods this year and get a really big one that will last for the whole Christmas period. It's pagan but in a cute way

7. Go to every single party that you're invited to. It's the one time of year when you can do that and not feel remotely guilty.

8. When you go to those parties, wear something extremely glamorous or extremely stupid. For the same reason that it's important to go to the parties.

9. When you're not partying, do really self indulgent things that give you pleasure, like baking cookies, or having a mammoth bubble bath, or shagging, or spending hours looking at porn on the internet. Why the fuck shouldn't you?

10. Finally, always - and I mean ALWAYS - cultivate the idea in your head that it's not that often that everyone you know is celebrating the same thing at the same time as you. Make the most of it. Know that it will soon be over and that January is super depressing. This is fun time.

So. What are you waiting for? I insist that you go right away and find some kids, some crepe paper, a Pritt Stick, some cotton wool and tons of glitter. Those Christmas decorations won't make themselves!

WHY VEGETARIANS SUCK

Now, I know that this is going to be contentious. It’s pretty obvious that I know that, or I probably wouldn’t have chosen to call it “Why Vegetarians Suck.” Let me say from the outset that I know lots of vegetarians who are perfectly lovely people – my life would be an awful lot poorer if it didn’t have them in it. But I take issue with 99% of them when it comes to their eating habits and their ethics. I’m going to try to make my position on it clear. Bear in mind that this is written by someone who would happily eat foie gras or veal – and if that turns your stomach, then don’t read anymore.

Let’s get my most important objection to vegetarianism out of the way first. Presumably, vegetarians would like the whole world to follow their example. What would this mean? Well, it would mean global environmental meltdown, that’s what! A lot of vegetarian propaganda states that the meat industry is damaging to the environment – and it is. But consider the consequences of the planet having to produce enough plant matter to feed the entire population. The only way it could be done is through intensive farming, relying on huge amounts of chemical fertilisers and fossil fuels. We just couldn’t produce enough to feed everyone otherwise. Most of the vegetables we eat are produced like that, in fact, unless we buy organic ones. But the simple fact is that we couldn’t produce enough organic vegetables to feed everyone – it would be too labour intensive and a lot of people would starve.

My second objection is probably just as important, though it doesn’t apply to all vegetarians. Just the vast majority of them. They drink milk and they eat cheese. Well, the dairy industry IS the meat industry. The two serve each other. By drinking milk you are condemning animals to a life of factory farmed misery just as if you were eating a McDonalds. Your average pint of milk is produced with a hundred times as much suffering on the part of the animals as any organic and ethically reared slab of steak. But they don’t kill animals to produce milk? Oh don’t they! What about all the male calves that are born? At one time they would have gone to produce veal. But people are so anti veal nowadays that most of them are just slaughtered for nothing. One a related note, most booze isn’t vegetarian either. It’s got fish liver in it.

And so to vegans. This goes back to my first point – the whole world could not be vegan without intensive growing and harvesting procedures. And loads of little animals are killed by that process – field mice are not that good at knowing to get out of the way of great big combine harvesters. You cannot produce food without killing something unless you do it yourself. I suppose we could all go stone age and do that – but you’d have to wave goodbye to all the mod cons. No-one would have time to make computers or generate electricity or design organic cotton clothes.

So what should you do if you love animals and care about their welfare? You should buy organic meat – meat that has been produced ethically, without cruelty and without intensive methods. You should resign yourself to the fact that this meat will be more expensive than the factory farmed mush that most people buy nowadays. You should write to your supermarkets and demand that they stop selling intensively farmed meat and that they start paying farmers a fair price. You should only buy free range eggs and you should buy your milk from a local farm which treats its animals well and doesn’t exploit them for high milk yields at low prices.

What you should NOT do is give up eating meat altogether. If all the people who care about animal welfare take that muddled and easy way out, then there is no pressure on the farming industry to change its ways. All you vegetarians – it’s because of you that factory farms exist – think about that next time you tuck into a cheese sandwich.