Human Soup

The scene. I don't even know what "the scene" is. I grew up in a place where "the scene" didn't even exist. Well, that is unless you can count hiding bottles of Diamond White in the bins outside the Civic Hall disco in Ormskirk and throwing up on girls' shoes every Saturday night a scene.

Or perhaps the fashion that I started for holding a Cadburys Creme Egg in your hands until it went soft and then smashing it on cool kid's head counts as a scene. I suspect it doesn't.

Anyway, I digress. It seems, sadly, that I am expected to be part of a scene now. I've managed to avoid it for the best part of 39 years, but the time has come. I have to make my choice. Where in the name of holy crap do I fit in? It doesn't matter that I have spent the better part of my life debating this - I've got to pick a team and I've got to do it NOW!

I could go with the generic gay scene. There are lots of things about it that I like. The boys are pretty, for one thing. And no-one minds if you use hairspray and know all the words to True Blue (the album, not just the song). But there are downsides. I'm a fat get, for a start, and they tend not to like that. I also quite like to talk about Marxism, feminism, and Eva Peron in a non Madge based context. They don't like that kind of stuff in Cruz 101.

Then there's the bear scene. There are lots of fat blokes like me there. And there are lots of other blokes of all shapes and sizes that want to have sex with them. Ace. But the shoes are bloody terrible (you look at the next Bear Convention you happen across - you will never have seen as many bad Shrainers in your life). Besides, have you ever tried having an intelligent conversation with someone whose number one favourite activity is fisting? It's not pretty. I think I might get a temporary membership only.

Oh, I know! What about the alternative scene? There are people there who like Stereolab. There are even people there who like Lotte Lenya and hate Rage Against The Machine as much as I do. Oh, but wait. Stereolab aren't as cool as they used to be - everyone's listening to The High Llama's instead again now. And Lotte Lenya totally sold out when she went to America. Add to that the fact that I look terrible in skinny jeans and I think Morrissey is a bit of a dick. I don't think they'd let me in. Or they might. Just so they could wither me.

I could always get back into the left wing political scene. I did a politics degree when I was in my late 20s. I did it because I cared about politics as an activity and as a way of understanding the world. My dad was a Trade Union shop steward during the winter of discontent and I read Orwell when I was 7. That would be alright. Except that I can't stand marching - travel exhausts me and the thought of looking at someone's green dreadlocks for an hour makes me anxious. I'm not veggie, either. I don't even respect most people's reasons for being veggie. The bacon in that tartiflette would have me booted out in no time.

Which leaves me with one simple truth. I'm going to have to join them all. And bitch about none of them. I urge you to join me. Long live inclusivity (which is probably not a word, but ho hum!)