It's Not Big And It's Not Clever

Eugenie Matthias (aka Redjen) was really quite famous when I was young.  She was the lead singer in The Belle Stars - probably best known now for their cover version of Iko Iko ("My Grandma and your Grandma, sitting by the fire..."), but who also wrote a truly wonderful song called Sign Of The Times (more of that later).  But Jen (because that's how I know her) went on to do something even more wonderful than adding to the Popmusic canon.  Jen became a Community Champion.


She grew up in care and she understood that young people who grow up without a family unit have special problems and needs that the rest of us probably can't understand.  So in the late 90s she teamed up with her friend, Adrian Sherwood (legendary record producer, who also grew up in care) to try to do something to help kids who were going through the same experiences that they went through.  They did it by concentrating on the world they knew - they decided to help kids express their feelings, their anger, their sadness, their hopes for the future, through music and performance.  It was a small project, but it made a big impact on the lives of a lot of young people in London.


At around this time I was working on a Government funded project called The Community Champions Fund. It's aim was to recognise the work that people were doing in their local communities and to give them financial support to get the skills to expand their projects and keep them going.  It was only worth £3 million a year, but we focussed on using our experience to give people in the voluntary sector an idea of where they could go to access bigger pots of money and how to get their hands on it.  We also ran an awards ceremony every year, recognising the contribution that really outstanding individuals had made to their communities.


Jen was one of the award winners in 2002.  I remember her stood next to the then Minister for Young People, Ivan Lewis, all flame red hair and attitude, speaking passionately about how she really cared about what she was doing and how she didn't see how she could continue doing it without the support that the Government was giving her.  


There were other winners that stand out in my head, too:  Adam Short, who tirelessly worked to make sure that disenfranchised kids had access to people of influence, so that the decisions made in their local area reflected what they needed; The Henstridge Village Design Group, who basically said to their local council that they demanded to have a say in planning decisions that affected them and then made damn sure that they showed that they could have a constructive input; The Westhoughton Youth Project, who were a group of very young teenagers who decided that, instead of bemoaning the fact that there was nothing in their area for young people to do, they would get up off their arses and create things.


Now, it seems to me that all of these projects are precisely what David Cameron's Big Society is all about.  Here we have local people identifying a gap in statutory provision and filling it.  Not because it was going to offer them any monetary gain, but because they knew it would improve their lives, their neighbour's lives, their neighbour's neighbour's lives, and so on.


Here's the irony.  The ConDemmed government have cut off funding for projects like The Community Champions Fund in one fell swoop.  They're dismantling the regional government offices that helped us administer that money and, with their local knowledge, made sure that it went to the places where it was most needed.  They've decided its not essential.  And they can't afford to pay for non essential things because our budget deficit is only smaller than it has been for 200 of the last 250 years, when we started keeping a tally of these things.


Cameron thinks The Big Society will fill the gap.  But I'd be interested to see how he thinks that ordinary people are going to develop the wherewithal to do that without significant support from central and local government.  Local Councillors from all over England have signed a letter to DC pointing out that cutting funding to the Voluntary Sector will have precisely the opposite effect of reducing government spending - there are many essential services provided by the Voluntary Sector that will now have to be provided for by your Local Authority.  This would probably have resulted in a huge hike in your Council Tax this year if the ConDemmed hadn't enforced a freeze on it.  So the only logical result of that is that the service provided by those voluntary groups just won't be provided by anyone anymore.  And our local communities will be all the poorer for it.


This is just one reason why we should all be angry at the sweeping cuts being made by this government.  They're illogical, they're ill thought out and they're only there to serve the needs of the rich elite.


So, I won't rant anymore.  I could go on for several hours about the cuts in Arts Funding, the undue pressure that's going to be put on GPs, the utterly horrendous hike in University Tuition fees and so on.  But this isn't really intended to be a political blog.  It's just about my thoughts.  And I thought about Jen today and wondered what she is doing now.  I'm sure she is finding a way to inspire and motivate young people - it's in her nature and she can't help it.  I just wish I could feel confident that she was getting the support to do it that she so deserves.


Finally, here's how Jen inspired and motivated my when I was young.

HELLO, SWEETIE!

When I was a kid I wanted a TARDIS so bad.  First, there was this huge, ancient ornamental raspberry tree in our garden that was hollow in the middle.  I would pretend that was my TARDIS.  Then there was the big wooden box that I begged my Dad to build for me and put on the roof of the shed.  That was my TARDIS then.  And I went everywhere and everywhen (mostly to the Second World War, because I was kind of obsessed with that too!)


Thing is, when I say that I am excited that Doctor Who returns in three weeks time, there are three kinds of people:  there are those that say "Bless!" in a condescending way but mean no harm; there are those that go "SQUEE!!  I know, right?" and there are those that look at me like I am absolutely the saddest of the sad and the lowest of the low.  I find that very odd.  And this is what I want to say to them.


Along with ABBA, George Orwell, maths and Mozart, Doctor Who is a very important part of my personal history. It's one of the things that made me who I am.  It gave me my imagination and made me want to tell stories, to learn about places and times and to be on the side of everything good, fighting everything evil.  Those moments in the middle of that raspberry tree are so special to me - they remind me of me inventing scenarios and imagining ways out of them.


Did I ever hide behind the sofa?  I don't think I did.  But I did insist the phone was taken off the hook and everyone shut up while it was on.  And I remember feeling really worried all week wondering how the cliffhanger was going to be resolved.  And I still feel like that now.


Doctor Who makes me feel like a 7 year old again.  There are not enough things that do that.  So if I start waffling on about who River Song might REALLY be, about what The Silents are, about what it is that Pond knows that The Doctor doesn't, then I apologise.  But actually make no apologies.  I think it's wonderful.


And this, without a doubt, is one of the greatest pieces of music ever realised.

Raised With The Fume of Sighs

I did something I have never done before recently.  Having done it, it struck me that it was a simple, little thing that most people I know have probably already done.  And it felt good to have done it and I wondered why I have never done it before.  I sent someone an anonymous Valentines Card.  I just sent it to someone I thought was nice.  I walked into a shop and found a card that I thought was genuinely beautiful, thought for a while about what I wanted to write in it - what I wanted to say to that person, what summed up how I feel about them - and then I posted it.  And then, having done it, I forgot all about it, but felt a little bit warmer and a little bit more complete inside myself.  No big deal, you might think, but it was a small shift in behaviour that had a big impact on how I felt.


Now, I only did this because I (fairly) recently became single.  I wouldn't, of course, have done it while I had a boyfriend.  And even if I had it wouldn't have been the same - there would have been an extra level of secrecy about the whole thing that would have turned it into something not as warm, normal and pleasing as it actually was.  But that got me thinking - there are probably loads of things I haven't done whilst one of a partnership or beforehand (for various reasons) that I probably should be doing.  Or, at least, might want to do.  My list of things to do before my singlehood kicks the bucket.  


Me being me, that became an excuse to set myself a challenge.  So here, with a few stories to explain, is my Single Bucket List.


1.  Ask someone I really like out on a date, even if I think they might say "No!" - I just think this is something I should do.  It's about facing the fear and not caring about it.  I live my life with too much fear of getting it wrong, generally.  More fearlessness is needed.  I've actually made a half hearted attempt at this one already, but it doesn't count because I cheated and he ignored me because he probably thought I didn't mean it and I can't blame him!


2.  Write a good poem about someone I have a crush on.  Of course, as a teenager (and maybe a little bit beyond that, if I'm honest) I wrote a lot of gushing tosh about boys I thought I was in love with.  But all my decent poetry I reserved for things I thought were important.  Well, it's about time I reassessed what is important - about time I recognised that that lovely butterflies inside feeling you get when someone beautiful is stood next to you is one of those things that makes life bearable.  And sometimes unbearable.  Surely that's significant enough to spend time writing about it?


3.  Flirt with someone whilst entirely sober.  I know this sounds like an odd one, but I have nowhere near enough self confidence to do this normally.  Simple as that really.


4.  Wear ridiculous clothes that please me and that aren't fancy dress.  When you're in a relationship, you self edit - you come to recognise that look or tone of voice from your other half that says they don't like what you're wearing.  And you start to make choices based on your experience of that.  No more.  I can be my own stylist from now on.


5.  Say no.   Saying no sometimes feels good. I've spent years not saying it enough.  So, specifically, this is about saying no to someone if I don't feel absolutely confident that what they're proposing is right.  Usually I just go along with things.


6.  Cook someone a dinner designed specifically to seduce them.  I'm a bloody good cook - I know I am.  I would have been a Chef if my parents hadn't (rightly) told me that I wouldn't be able to cope with the hours.  I reckon I could knock anyone's socks off by what I put on the table.  I need to test this theory.


7.  Put topless pictures of myself online.  I sometimes feel like I am the only homosexual male who hasn't done this.  So I shall.


8.  Number 8 is something that is not really for public consumption.


9.  Write a love letter.  I have written soppy e-mails before but it's almost become a cliche in this post digital age that there is something special about a letter, on paper, with a stamp on it, that can't be replicated digitally.  And it's really only a cliche because it's true.  So this is something I will do.  Much later, obviously.


10.  Make a proper friendship out of talking to someone on those sites that are designed for more earthly delights.  I'm sure it's possible.  I think it's probably also desirable.  So I will make this a more important goal than anything more carnal.


So there they are.  All things I have never done and probably should.  No time limit - no censure for not achieving any of them.  


And that, Ladies and Gentles, was my "I am single and I am GREAT!" blog post!

Gagacue

"In her line of business, Lady Gaga has a hard time being 'over the top', and wearing a dress made from cuts of dead cows is offensive enough to elicit comment, but someone should whisper in her ear that more people are upset by butchery than are impressed by it – and that means a lot of young people will not be buying her records if she keeps it up," - Ingrid Newkirk, PETA

I read that yesterday and laughed my arse off.  It's one of the most spectacular examples of missing the point that I have ever read.  Firstly, Lady Gaga doesn't strike me as someone who has a hard time being "over the top".  She doesn't even strike me as someone who is trying particularly hard to be "over the top", but rather as a very young artist who, by virtue of being actually rather good, has got a lot of exposure and is in the enviable position of being able to express herself however she wants.  Secondly, I don't think the meat dress elicited comment because most people found it offensive - the majority of people I spoke to about it actually thought it was kind of funny.  Between 4 and 10% of people in the developed world consider themselves to be Vegetarian.  The vast majority of the rest of us would probably find little to regard as offensive in that dress.  Thirdly, and on a related note, what is the meaning of the phrase " more people are upset by butchery than impressed by it"?  That's clearly nonsense.  Most people choose not to think about the process of butchering animals, but they are more than happy to consume the results of it as long as it comes packaged and made to look pretty.  Rather like Lady Gaga's dress was.

So, yeah, Ingrid Newkirk, as in most things, you are completely, spectacularly, ignorantly wrong.  And I won't waste any more time on you.  Here's what I thought.

It was a Tour de Force.  It worked on so many levels.  It worked as a brilliant subversion of the idea of the red carpet dress - beautifully tailored like the finest couture pieces, but by far the most arresting and unsettling thing seen at that event.  It worked as a kind of comment on the objectification of women (and, indeed, men) as pieces of meat (it was a clumsy comment on all that, but sometimes clumsy is just what's needed for mass consumption).  It worked as a statement on the whole idea of fashion itself.  Oscar Wilde described fashion as "a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every six months."  Fashion, by its very nature, is fleeting and impermanent, but its been cheapened in recent years by being constantly regurgitated.  Over and over again.  Gagas dress could never appear in any thrift shops - it would probably start stinking badly the day after she wore it.  It's a one off event.  And I genuinely believe that that meaning was intended.

Thing is, you can say what you like about Lady Gaga, but if you just say to me "she's rubbish" without being able to qualify that, then I will dismiss you out of hand.  I was walking home today, thinking about what I was going to say in this blog, and comparing her in my head to all the other prominent young female artists that are around today.  She stacks up well.

I'm not sure where Lady Gaga fits - but I do know that my 8 year old niece likes her easily as much as I do.  And my 65 year old mother likes her as much as my 19 year old nephew does.  There are not many artists these days who can achieve that.  And I also know that I would take her over Florence and The Machine (yawn), Marina and The Diamonds (Aaaaargh), or Paloma Faith (meh) anyday.  And I would much rather listen to her than Delphic, Mumford and Sons, or any other generic indie and/or "folk" band that seem to be chart bothering these days.  She has depth.  There are genuinely interesting concepts in her songs.  There's something surprising in all of them.  But they are also unashamedly fun.  The guardians of all things that are artistically superior tend not to like things that are unashamedly fun.

So there you are - Lady Gaga fits in the panoply of music just fine as far as I'm concerned.  True, she hasn't written a song as wonderful as Bachelorette (yet), but Poker Face, Bad Romance, Speechless, Telephone, The Fame and Paparazzi are all infinitely better songs than, for example, Big Time Sensuality.  I leave you with that comparison to illustrate why this, rather than Ingrid Newkirk's, is my quote of the day:

"If you think Bjork is better than Lady Gaga, you haven't been keeping up!"

You Can Give It To The Birds and Bees

Some people will know what I do for a living.  Basically I write proposals to people's creditors to get their debts sorted out.  Anyway - part of my job is to write a debt history for the person - explaining how they got into financial difficulty.  Sometimes, though, people want to write their own.  Here are a selection of my favourites.  All real.  None of them included in the final proposals!

• My financial difficulties commenced in 2003 when I decided that my breasts were giving me depression.  I obtained a loan of £5,000 from AA Personal Finance to have them enlarged.  I spent the remainder of this loan on personal items.
• I am Peter Davies.  The main cause of my financial difficulties can be summed up in two words:  Mrs and Davies.
• Dear Jim - please remove all the stuff about how I got into financial difficulties by mismanaging my finances and living beyond my means.  I'm not sure that's true.  Basically, I just got into the habit of buying crap.  Does that make sense?
• In 1998 we re-mortgaged our property for £90,000.  We spent the money on family holidays, Christmases and birthdays.  The new kitchen, bathroom and double glazing we were supposed to use it for just didn't happen.
• Between 2000 and 2002 my wife an I obtained credit to a total of approximately £10,000 to pay for several courses of IVF treatment.  Our financial situation worsened in 2003 when our son was born.  At this time our household expenditure increased and we found we were no longer able to make payments to our creditors as and when they fell due.  We have relied on further credit since this time to meet the shortfall.
• Jim - you say that I have received treatment for my drug and gambling addictions.  I haven't.  I still do drugs.  Is it okay to still say that?
• I have spent money on credit since it was made available to me to compensate for the fact that I hate my life.
• Jim - I got a loan in 2008 for a car.  In 2009 I decided it was too red, so I crashed it into a bollard.  The insurance didn't cover the loan so I thought if I was going to be in debt anyway I might as well get some more and buy something nice.  I bought a hot tub and a conservatory to put it in.  Then I realised I couldn't pay for them.  That's when I decided to see if I could try to get away with not paying some of it.  That's when I came to you.  Can you make that sound not quite so dodgy, do you think?

So.  Happy Pride weekend, everyone!  Max those credit cards out on being totally faboo! xx

Shameless (Non)Self Promotion

Edit:  Totally my ex-boyfriend now.  But he's still a legend!


I don't normally do this here.  But it occurred to me that I could use this blog to do my bit to show the world what a bloody genius my lovely boyfriend, Mark Evans, is.  He's a painter and a graphic artist.  He keeps on plugging away making beautiful things just for the love of it.  And he deserves more recognition.  And I love him very much.


Anyway - here are a few of my favourites.  If you want to see more, please check out his website.

SAY IT LOUD!

Here's the thing.  My boyfriend grew up in a place that has a statue in a public place that has the word "Sodomy" on it - and used in a very negative way.  There is still legislation there that ensures that a gay pride parade can never happen.  It's not Russia or anything - it's Jersey.  Maybe a little too close to home for comfort.

I didn't have it much better in rural Lancashire in the 70s and 80s.  I grew up in a village with 20 odd houses and a pub run by an old woman who looked like The Moon off The Mighty Boosh and who monitored what her customers were talking about - if she didn't like it, they were out!  On top of that, I wasn't just the only gay in the village, I was the only kid in the village, too.  I've touched on all that before, but suffice to say it was a pretty isolated and alienating existence.  It's served me okay - at least I know how to shoot, pluck and prepare a pheasant for the oven - but I really wish there had been a bit more queerness.

One thing I am grateful for, though, is that I had parents who were truly radical.  My Dad was involved in smuggling British Leyland buses into Cuba, which I suppose was a pretty big radical gesture.  My Mum responded to some racism she heard from a man who was trying to seduce her by going straightaway and having her hair permed into an Affro - which was just as important a radical gesture.  I didn't even have to come out to them - it just happened that they knew and accepted the fact that I was gay at a time that many of my peers were nowhere near as lucky.  God speed you, Mr and Mrs Hewitt.

That being said, I would have crawled naked across broken glass to have been able to go to something like Manchester Pride.  To have been in a place where there were thousands and thousands of other gay people who wanted to march, to party, to dance, to fuck, in the same way that I would have wanted to do those things was something that could only have really happened in Utopia back then.  I consider myself bloody lucky that I am in possession of tickets that will allow me to do just that in two weeks time.

Yes.  In possession of tickets.  I had to pay for them.

Now, I suppose I could just forego Pride altogether and spend the weekend at the many exciting Queeruption events that are happening.  But here's the other thing - I admire much of what Queeruption is doing.  I admire its radical agenda.  I am grateful that there are people who are willing to challenge the mainstream in that way. I personally know several wonderful, insanely creative people who are involved in it.  What I don't accept is that Queeruption is in any way an alternative Pride - I know that the organisers themselves don't make that claim, but I hear a lot of people talking about it like that.

The fact is, Queeruption is not an alternative Pride because it can never be an alternative to Pride.  Those lonely gay kids growing up in Chorley without a gay bar in sight want to meet other gay kids and dance to Kelis.  They want to drink free Kopperberg cider and horde free condom packs from the LGF, in the hope that they might get a chance to use them.  They don't care that Pride is a corporation making money out of their sexuality - they shop at Tesco every week, which is a far more egregious corporation than Pride will ever  be.

If Pride were all that were on offer I would be terribly depressed.  But it isn't.  Pride exists alongside Queeruption and many other varied and interesting events aimed at gay people.  That fills me with joy and delight because there were zero events aimed at gay people when I was a young un.

So I'll be dipping my toes into Queeruption - and I hope they come out a little bit dirty and a little bit astounded.  But I will be diving into Pride too.  And I know I will be proud to be one of many generations who made it possible for such a big, mainstream event to happen with very little dissent from the heterosexual majority.

My point?  If you don't like it, I'm fine with that.  But remember that there is no real alternative to it.  Do your own dang.  Because your dang is beautiful too!